Just in case a few of my newly found old friends find this journal via Facebook, I thought I needed a "sticky" post with instructions on how to gain access to my brilliant prose contained within this digital journal.
Anyone who would like to be "friended" and granted an ALL ACCESS pass to Shay, please comment below letting me know who you are. Once upon a time my journal was public, then along came a troll and I had to shut the door, only allowing a select few to enter. (I sound so very exclusive don't I?)
My entries are pretty mundane and are mostly about my family and writing.
*waves at new/old Facebook friendos*
It wasn't love at first sight, but rather a slow burn. Curiosity lead to fascination which turned into an obsession.
Lee Hong Gi.
I whisper his name into the night. Lee Hong Gi, his voice filling my ears when I fall asleep. The beat of the drum matching the beat of my heart. Lee Hong Gi, the actor. Lee Hong Gi, the rock star. Lee Hong Gi, the Korean celebrity who has no idea I exist or how important he has become.
Admitting to my obsession with Lee Hong Gi isn't easy. Crushes are for teenagers groping each other in the back seats of their parents' cars. For a woman of my age to be holding a torch for a much younger man is embarrassing and feels a bit pathetic. Yet, I search YouTube for fan cams of his band. I check Instagram repeatedly, searching for new photos. Before leaving, I scroll through the endless collection of images, hunting for the one I've stared at the most. He's in a pool, no makeup, hair wet, water droplets clinging to his face. He is staring into the camera, exposed, letting his true self be shown. I feel if I stare long enough into his eyes, I will know the secrets he hides in his heart, from his fans and the world.
After hours of thought, I realize my obsession is more about me than Lee Hong Gi. He's the safety blanket I've chosen to hide beneath. I wrap him around myself as protection against pain. I have been broken into pieces multiple times. Each time, I spend hours stitching myself back together with fine, delicate thread, hoping it holds. The tears heal slowly, some never completely closing. Lee Hong Gi won't rip apart the stitches. He will never hit me or call me a bitch. Until I can trust myself or the unknown, my love will belong to him. Lee Hong Gi.
Rain pounded the roof of the car while the windshield wipers danced back and forth. Lightening sliced through the dark night, illuminating fallen leaves and branches littering the side of the highway. I drove slowly home from my parents' house, my safe haven when the warnings come. The kids bickered in the back seat as I strained to see the asphalt road through my blurry windshield.
“Hey cut it out guys!”
The younger two quieted, leaving my two older daughters fighting.
“Court, I said stop. I'm trying to concentrate on the road.”
“I don't know why you are yelling at me, Brittany is the one who is pregnant.”
My stomach lurched and the only noise was the rain and the whish whish of the wipers. The rest of the trip home was quiet. The other kids hurried from the car to the house, leaving me and Brittany sitting in the car.
“Is it true?” I asked. “Did you take a test?” I stared straight ahead at the rain drops racing each other down the glass.
Brittany gulped and answered her voice barely audible. “Not yet.”
I re-started the car and drove to the nearest super center. The bright lights were uncomfortable after the darkness outside. The aisles were empty of customers and I barely remember the trip to the health and beauty area of the store. The pregnancy tests were ironically located next to the boxes of condoms and various spermicides. I grabbed one and headed for the check out, hoping I didn't see anyone I knew.
Twenty minutes later we had the answer. I was going to be a 40 year old grandmother. Brittany was going to be a 17 year old mother.
“Everything will be OK. I will support you no matter what you decide to do,” I told her as she melted into my arms.
I decided then to be a better mother. I was going to focus all my attention on my children. It was the moment I made the resolution to stop dating. At the time, I didn't realize my abstinence would last for more than a decade. Thirteen years have passed, my children are adults with their own problems and children. Rather than my family, it is my self-confidence holding me back from re-entering the dating world. What if no one wants me?
I've sat staring at the blank screen for over an hour trying to think of the best way to introduce myself. I'm still drawing a blank.
Do I tell you about my family or my struggles to get where I am now? Do I make my introduction light and fluffy, highlighting the good parts of my personality and ignoring the dark and twisted things? Should I tell you about my hobbies or current interests? Who am I, really? How am I suppose to tell others what I don't know myself?
I am someone who wants to be loved and love in return. Most of the time I feel like I'm a "fake" adult and wonder when I will ever feel my age. Continually learning and growing is important to me. At one time, I wanted to be an author, now I'm not sure this goal is obtainable. I believe good will eventually win over evil. Listening to music makes me happy. Simple things please me and I am grateful for everything I've been blessed with.
Hi, I'm Shay. Nice to meet you. I look forward to learning more about myself along with you.
I might regret this....I am in.
Damn Shay, it's been how long since your last LJ post?
Too long I guess. I think I want to write again. My brain is doing that thing it does when it has a story that needs to come out. Writing now is like re-learning how to ride a bike. I sort of remember how to do it, but I feel nervous going forward. It's been three years since I've written anything of substance. Plus, a tiny part of me wonders why I keep doing it. I guess it's my nature.
There is no way I can read all the introductions for LJ Idol. I feel bad about that, but time is really at a premium for me at the moment. Since my son-in-law had knee surgery, my days start at 6:40 am and I'm busy non-stop till the time I collapse in bed for the night. I've almost reached the point where it is too much. He can't drive, so I've had to drive the kids to school and pick them up three days a week, plus try to keep up with laundry, dishes, and meals. As well as work online as much as I can to keep paying my phone bill.
Trying to find a place to wedge in Idol is going to take creative juggling or digging into my energy reserves. My health has sucked the past year. Partly because I haven't been taking very good care of myself and partly because I'm getting older and the chronic illnesses are eating away at my body. My joints are stiffer and my pain more intense as of late. Just walking to the rest room can be a chore and I worry one day I won't be able to walk at all. That freaks me out to be honest.
Anyway, I'm truly sorry all you Idol people for not reading your introductions. I will try to be better about reading entries and participating in the Green Room.
I think The Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack might be the best thing for chair dancing. I love every song on it. This is a rare quality for any album to have. There is usually always that one song you skip over when listening to a album. Now a days I'm sure most people just fill their playlists with all their favorite songs and listening to a complete album is a thing of the past.
I've reached the ripe old age of forty-eight and I'm still discovering who am I. Just when I think I have it figured out, the world shifts and everything I know is distorted. It is similar to gazing through a child's kaleidoscope, the view is constantly changing. When I was twenty and barely dipping my toe into life, this wasn't the future I imagined. Somehow I pictured my life would more glamorous or bigger than it actually turned out to be.
If pressed for an answer, I would say I am a survivor. Surviving one misfortune after another has been the theme of my life. I want to claim this isn't the life I would have chosen for myself, but the majority of things I have overcome are the direct result of a decision made by myself. Now I am older, I finally understand the phrase "youth is wasted on the young." That said, I don't know if I would change a thing, even the bad times. Each event has left its mark upon me and without my scars I would be a different person entirely.
Even after living to tell the tale, I haven't lost my sense of humor or the ability to dance like no one is watching. Life is too short to wallow and be miserable. I try to squeeze as much fun as I can out of every situation, good or bad. I'd rather spend my time and energy spreading love around rather than hate.
Today Gary informed me there were a couple of sponsored slots open in his little contest, The Real LJ Idol. After a bit of arm twisting and hippie kicking, I agreed to come back to Live Journal and play. I don't know how well I will do or how active I will be on Live Journal outside of the contest.
But it is official! I AM IN!!!!